In hindsight, it seems incredibly bizarre, but would you believe me if I said I began questioning my sexuality following a storyline on a television program that saw the first openly lesbian character grace Australian television? I thought not, but this is where my journey began, no matter how ridiculous it sounds.

I guess you could say that this storyline opened my eyes to a lifestyle I was previously completely ignorant of (and never let it be said you can’t learn something from television). For some unknown reason, something seemed so incredibly enticing - perhaps it had to do with the fact I’d recently come out of a bad relationship and was simply looking to temporally avoid the opposite sex. Don’t for a minute think this is the only reason I decided to take this journey - at time time, although heartbroken, I felt there was a gapping hole in my life that could not be filled by a male: I do not know how or when this came about, but for some reason it came forth at this time, and it scared me half to death because I knew straight away that it made me different from my peers.

You see, I struggle enough to fit in as was, and didn’t need something else separating me from my peers. Yes, I had a small group of friends and was popular among them, but I was also the girl many chose to target, and unfortunately for them I was an easy target, because I’ve always been over sensitive.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I decided to join Mogenic after reading about it in a magazine. I simply began thinking that perhaps I might be able to make a few friends who’d be able to guide me through this confusing time and help me come out the other side(free of what I believed was a passing phase) - stupid I know, but I was rather naive at this point in time.

I immediately put up a facade when I began developing feelings for another woman - I was absolutely terrified and angered with myself because at this time I also found myself having me eyes opened to Christianity, and the clash between my new beliefs and my new lifestyle of course caused a great deal of internal conflict.

I decided to deal with this conflict by informing my (ex) best friend that I thought I was bisexual. To say she froze my out was an understatement - she didn’t talk to me for a full week, and then when she did get up the courage to return my phone calls, she was blatant enough to ask if I had feelings for her. Of course I didn’t - she was my ’sister’, and she knew that full well. I could have never developed a crush on her, and I think she knew it. I think she asked to get a rise out of me, and sure enough, she did.

What got under my skin the most was that several months later she asked me to keep a secret for her. I thought nothing of it - I always kept her secrets and I swore to take this one to the grave. Well, didn’t I get a kick up the backside when she turned around and told me she was experimenting with other women and had developed serious feelings for a close friend. What made this worse: she never named this friend, but the description sounded exactly like me, and she was stupid enough to mention that the friend was bisexual herself. I never said a word to her about it - I felt far too betrayed too attempt to make any sense out of it, but needless to say, our friendship soured following this and we now have nothing to do with one another.

Once the friendship with the woman I had feelings for went pear shaped, I removed myself from Mogenic because I wanted nothing more to do with the friends I had made there. I thought if I cut myself off for it, it would fade away and I wouldn’t have to feel so ill with the person I was becoming.

I was also being ridicule by several girls I thought were my friends. The were clueless to my developing sexuality, but they’d were always “jokingly” calling me a “lesbo” or “gay” and I knew that I’d be emotionally tortured if they’d discovered the truth. I of course lost my friendship with them, but to this day one of the girls still refers to me as a lesbian, and I’ve no idea why.

For a brief period, shutting myself off to Mogenic and the friends I had made there worked. I began a relationship with a close male friend and we began discussing our plans for our future together. I of course believed I was head over heels for him, and as he did me. Naturally, I wasn’t, but you’re probably well aware of the saying “love can blind you”. Our relationship fell apart, and I decided that it was necessary to go back into enigma mode and step back behind the facade so he wouldn’t be able to see how truly hurt I was.

This time around though, I realized it was more than just a passing phase. At first, I hated myself for it, and this was mainly because in about the year that had passed, my Christian beliefs and values had grown and I could now see myself having to tackle these beliefs whilst still attempting to be the Christian I so desired to become.

As the months passed, I came to have passing feelings for several different young women, and actually found myself finding it very exciting. I knew right then and there that my life was about to change.

My facade was slowly wearing thin - I starting feeling physically ill every time I overheard a so-called gay joke. It felt as though I had a knot in my stomach and it made me nauseated. Sometimes I even snapped when a friend made a joke about someone they knew being homosexual or bisexual. I don’t think they thought much off it. I’m not one to allow my friends to insult those who aren’t there to defend themselves, and even then I feel a little uneasy if they are slandering a person without knowing their circumstances.

I completely opened up to my new best friend - I now refer to her as my ’sister’. She really guided me through and always allowed me to air my opinions and wouldn’t hesitate to tell me the “brutal” truth. I use to despise her for being so harsh, but in all honesty, I wouldn’t be where I am today were it not for her. I honestly believe she came into my life at the best possible time: she has become my guidance and my support, and I’ll always love her for that.

About six months ago I fell deeply in love with a young woman I’d met via Mogenic. We began an internet relationship, which may seem childish and immature to you, but we both realized it was never going to be a case of us actually being able to be together (she lives in another state). She was far too good for me to pass up - I’d fallen so deeply and I’d come to the point where I’d made the biggest realization of them all. Whilst she was opening up to me more with each day that passed, I was keeping something from her.

I was, without a doubt, bisexual (although I do refer to myself as label free because I believe sexuality is fluid and that there are some days I’ll feel heterosexual and others I feel homosexual).

When I began telling the friends I’d made via Mogenic, they were so happy and excited for me. After approximately 3.5 years of living behind a facade, I’d managed to strip it off and define myself.

My next step was telling my friends. That made me so nervous I ended up feeling physically ill, as you’d expect. Anyway, I began by telling a close friend. I simply pulled her aside, sat her down and the words fell from my lips (although after some hesitance and tears from myself). She was incredible: so happy for me and still loving me. She even asked if she could get to know my girlfriend - such incredible relief after the stress I’d put myself through.

Within the following weeks I decided to out myself to some friends on a website I use: they all took the news so well and for many of them, it was a turning point because they began to realize why I found it so easy to express character feelings in my new fanfiction (which followed a storyline based on lesbianism).

What I found even more amazing about coming out to my friends from the aforementioned website was that suddenly, out of the wood work, I discovered a thread created for homosexual and bisexual members. I was pleasantly surprised by how many members were curious, homosexual or bisexual. It felt like I was being blessed because I had a complete support network right there for me and prior to coming across this thread, I had no idea how many of my fellow members were familiar with the stages and feelings I’d been through.

Nowadays, I still have many people to come out to, but I definitely feel more confident and comfortable. As cheeky as it may sound, I suddenly feel sexy: I think most of it has to do with the fact I’ve come to my own and now have little problem with the person I am.

I also take no shame in holding my head high. I figure that I’ve every right to be proud of myself, and I’m just so overwhelmed that I’ve made it deeper into the journey - I can’t quite see home yet, but it is getting a lot closer.

Sure, it’s difficult sitting through church and listening to the leader share the church’s beliefs on homosexuality, but then I think to myself: I began life as a blank slate, my destiny completely unwritten. My destiny unfolds with each day that passes and this decision has now been written upon that slate. I can not change that and I have no desire to: God loves me regardless of who I am and at the end of the day, he simply desires that his children are happy leading the life they lead and live by the word of the Bible - well, I’m trying to do so, and I’m doing this best I can for the Christian I am at this point in time. I know that my lifestyle may be viewed as wrong, but I put this forth to you all.

To me, a relationship is NOT about sex. As a matter of fact, I take no shame in admitting to the fact that I do not believe in sex before marriage. So why is it when you tell some people you are bisexual or homosexual they assume you are only interested in the sexual side of a relationship? In my mind, the emotional and psychological attractions are far greater, and I figure that at the end of the day, I’m free to make my own decisions, and whilst I may be bisexual, it’s just a label and simply because it uses the word sexual does not mean I’m interested in that sort of relationship.

I guess you could say that adds to my newfound confidence; right now, I’m loving my life! And I couldn’t ask for anything else in the long run.

Categories: Coming Out Story