The hardest part of my coming out process was probably coming out to myself.

You either think that sounds rediculous or you can absolutely relate. But really for years I hardly considered the possibility- occasionally the thought would flicker but I always wrote it off.

“No, girl crushes are totally normal.” and lots of wanting to prove that just because I wasn’t terribly girly didn’t mean I was gay. Of course, it doesn’t always but in my case both are true.

Finally I was studying abroad and I don’t know if it was the change of scene/people, my hot grammar professor, spending a lot of time around a couple other students who were out or probably a combination of all that, but I started thinking about it and finally admitted to myself that I have always been attracted to women and not men.

Once I let myself admit it I couldn’t imagine how I had taken so long. It seemed so painfully obvious and I felt like I had decieved myself. The years of obsessing over actresses or musicians and pretending it was just that I wanted to be like them, the camp counselor I couldn’t get out of my head (I know it’s a stereotype ), the jealousy I wouldn’t admit to.

I emailed my best friend (an out gay man) who was naturally supportive and assured me that I didn’t need to be hard on myself. We’re told growing up that one day we will grow up and find a nice boy and get married, a nice girl isn’t an option we’re taught to EXPECT even in the most accepting upbringings.

I came out to my study abroad friends and put off telling my friends at home, thinking I should do it in person and feeling kind of awkward about how it would be percieved to go abroad and “suddenly” be gay. Finally I told my closest friends and future roomates all via email and they were all absolutely cool with it if not expecting it.

The bit that was hard was living my life out of the closet for several months abroad and then returning home where some knew, some didn’t, and my family fell into the later category.

I felt trapped, cheated out of the experience I’d had abroad where I could be myself.

After a couple months, just before returning to uni, I told my mother. I thought she’d figured it out based on things my sister had said (”See, things like this are why mom asks if you’re gay”) only to find out that my sister was only saying it was mom asking, when really my sister was the only one to kind of figure.

So it was a bit of an awkward conversation, since I thought she had an idea already, but my parents are very accepting and I was lucky enough to know that. I’d seen them get outright angry when other parents had responded negatively to their gay children. But it’s still an uncomfortable conversation to try to work into conversation.

I didn’t really prepare myself for the thought that even though they are accepting, it would be hard for them. My mom asked if I could be bi, didn’ I like guys at all? I didn’t think about how she would have to change her vision of my future to not really include the traditional marriage bit. Though, she hardly expected me to marry and settle anyway.

I don’t see my dad much, mostly driving to and from work so I finally asked my mom to tell him for me and his reaction was good- that it doesn’t change anything and he had actually suspected.

I feel very fortunate to have grown up in a larger town and surrounded myself by loving, open people.

It’s a bit of an unending process

Categories: Coming Out Story